The Idiots of Zero
by General RTS
Summary: RvB Crossover. A series of oneshots where the RedvsBlue cast are sent into the world of zero no tsukaima to be Louise's familiar. First up the line, Sarge.
1. Sarge

Idiots of Zero is a series of one-shots featuring a plethora of what-if's consisting of a large cast of characters from the Red Vs Blue Series where as expected, hilarity insues. First up is Sarge. Feel free to rate and review and feel free to put up requests from the rvb cast. Just a warning though, this story isn't high up on my prioities list to I won't be updating it as much.

* * *

><p>It was a sunny day in the Blood Gulch Canyon, as Sarge drank a can of Grenadine straight from the original container. Ahhh, deeelicious. Another day, another opportunity to kill the blues and if he was lucky enough, get Grif killed in the process. It never really happened quite yet, but Sarge hadn't given up hope.<p>

Suddenly a female voice began _"I beg of you…"_

"What in Sam hell?" said Sarge, as he looked up to find the source of the voice.

_"My servant who lives somewhere in the universe!"_

"Who's doing that?"

_Oh sacred, beautiful and strong familiar spirit!"_

"Donut! If you're going to watch your stupid teen dramas again, at least have the decency to turn down the volume!"

_"I desire and here I plead from my heart!"_

"Donut? Lopez?... Grif?"

_"Answer to my guidance!"_

"Sweet jibbling nibblets!" Sarge yelled as he was swallowed up by an opaque light.

o0o

Sad as it sounded, Louise had become accustomed to the explosions that accompanied, or resulted from, her spell casting. In point of fact, if she were to somehow cast a spell without blowing something up she'd be concerned. As the smoke and dust cleared from the courtyard Louise could see a figure stand up from the debris while grumbling profanities from its mouth. The creature was some kind of red golem that had one bronze eye. Sarge looked left and right. Where the hell was he? IT sure as heel didn't look like Blood Gulch. He found himself surrounded by young teenagers who all wore what looked like a school uniform, with white long sleeved shirts, a black skirt and stockings or pants, along with shoes. Besides them, there was an assortment of different creatures he had never seen before.

"Is this one of those Comicons I heard so much about?" asked Sarge. Then a strange looking animal caught his eye. "Maybe this is the Puma Grif's been talkin so much about."

Suddenly a pink haired girl walked up to him. "You there take off your helmet." Sarge did so revealing a grizzled man in his thirties.

From the side Kriche laughed hysterically. "This makes all you said worth it, Louise! I never would have guessed you'd summon a plebian."

"It was just a little screw-up!" snapped Louise, a flush on her face.

"That's our Louise the Zero. She never fails to meet our expectations!" That remark from another student had the whole of them laughing again.

Mr. Colbert!" Lousie shouted desperately to the middle-aged man who stood on the far-side of the crowd.

"Yes, Miss Vallière?"

"Please! Let me try the summoning once more!"

Mr. Colbert shook his head, refusing the idea. "I cannot allow that, Miss Vallière."

"Why not?" asked the girl.

"It is strictly forbidden. When you are promoted to a second year student, you must summon a familiar which is precisely what you just did." He allowed a small pause as he stared at the strange Golem.

"But I've never heard of taking a plebian as a familiar!"

"No matter how unorthodox it might be, you cannot simply change the familiar once you have summoned it. Whether you like it or not, you have no choice but to accept him as yours, so please just continue with the ritual."

Grumbling Louise walked up to the Sergeant "You should count yourself lucky." She said "This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for a commoner."

o0o

"I compliment you for not running away." Guiche smiled, closing his eyes as he ran a hand through his golden locks.

"Ahh shut it, pretty boy." Sarge grumbled. Hot damn, this kid was almost worse than Donut… almost. Guiche merely smirked and readied his rose, which appeared to be a wand.

"Very well." He released a rose petal that touched the ground. The dirt crumble and a female armored being rose from the ground, armed with a lance. "Here your opponent, a bronze golem, one of my Valkyrie warriors. I hope you're ready, familiar."

Sarge shook his head angrily. "Kid, if you're going to fight a man then fight with your fists. Killing a man with your bare hands says 'We're all equals as men' except I'm slightly more equal because I'm still alive and your dead."

"Hah!" cried Guiche. "As if I'd ever stoop to your level of fairness! I am a noble and I will fight as such. You're dead, familiar." With that he waved with his wand to order the golem to attack. The golem launched towards Sarge, who still stood still. It stabbed its spear straight to where his heart should be, aiming for the kill. The attack connected but much to everyone's surprise the attack didn't even make a dent on the Mark 6 armor.

Sarge sighed. "Then that's not really fighting son. Here let me show you how it's done."

Sarge drew his left hand which was glowing with the runes much to his surprise, into a fist and punched the golem in the face, break off the neck of the golem. Its head rolled toward Guiche, and looked at its master with its lifeless eyes before crumbling to dust, just like its body. Guiche never stood a chance after that. With his opponent too shocked to even move, Sarge closed the distance between the two with inhuman speed.

"Hey Guiche, how do you like them apples? And by apples I mean FISTS, in your FACE!" yelled Sarge as he slammed his fist into Guiche's face sending him somersaulting backwards into the ground. Sarge stopped to look at the defeated figure. "How do you like them pears?" he asked squatting down. "Guess what I mean by pears. Theeese nuts."

The crowd gasped in horror as Sarge repeatedly T-bagged the poor Guiche who lay helplessly on the ground.

"Oh god." yelled Guiche as he lay on the ground humiliated. "Yield! Yield! Please, I surrender!"

Sarge stopped reluctantly and looked at Guiche strangely. "You surrendering" he asked in confusion.

"Yes, yes! For the love of Brimir stop I surrender!" cried Guiche.

"What do I get then?"

"What?"

"You got a medic you can give me?"

"Ummm… no."

"What about them fancy robot kits you got there?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"In that case kid," said Sarge, chuckling deviously. "I think we can come to some kind of arrangement. Now here's exactly what you're going to say…"

A few minutes later Guiche found himself in front of the entire school as the large crowd pushed and shoved to see the boy who lost all his dignity to Louise the Zero's plebian familiar.

"I would just like to let everyone know..." began Guiche. "That I suck."

"And?" prompted Sarge from the side.

"And that I'm a girl."

"What else?"

"And I like ribbons in my hair… And I want to kiss all the boys." Guiche finished glumly.

The crowd laughed hysterically at Guiche's punishment. Sarge himself watched the entire process, giddy with joy as it reminded him of the time Grif had to go through the same process. "This has got to be the_ second_ best surrender of all time." He said.

Beside him Louise also stood laughing at Guiche's expense. It was, she thought. It truly was.


	2. Caboose

Idiots of Zero is a series of one-shots featuring a plethora of what-if's consisting of a large cast of characters from the Red Vs Blue Series where as expected, hilarity insues. First up is Sarge. Feel free to rate and review and feel free to put up requests from the rvb cast. Just a warning though, this story isn't high up on my prioities list to I won't be updating it as much.

* * *

><p>It was a typical morning in the Valhalla canyon and Caboose sat inside the blue base trying to figure out how to fix the invisible magic which for some strange reason was not working. It certainly wasn't due to the fact that Caboose somehow blew up the base's 500 meter antennae, which everyone agrees was no one's fault.<p>

Suddenly a female voice began _"I beg of you…"_

Caboose looked up confusedly. "Mr. Muffinbutts? (That's what he calls Donut) Is that you?"

_"My servant who lives somewhere in the universe!"_

"Where is Major McCinnamonbuns? I can hear him, but I can't see him."

_"I desire and here I plead from my heart!"_

"I'm scared… and I don't know why."

_"Answer to my guidance!"_

Caboose watched in fascination as an opaque light slowly settled down upon around him. "Oooohhhh… pretty lights."

o0o

Sad as it sounded, Louise had become accustomed to the explosions that accompanied, or resulted from, her spell casting. In point of fact, if she were to somehow cast a spell without blowing something up she'd be concerned. As the smoke and dust cleared from the courtyard Louise could see a figure stand up from the debris and fall back down again.

"Ouch." moaned Caboose. "I can't feel my brain!"

The creature was some kind of blue golem that had one bronze eye. Caboose looked around him. He was surrounded by strange people he have never seen before. Maybe they were the reds. No, no, no. Maybe they were aliens that looked just like humans. OR maybe, they were a new type of gun. The last possibility seemed the likeliest to Caboose.

Louise walked up to him. "You there, take off your helmet."

Caboose just stared at her.

Louise frowned, "Didn't you hear what I said?"

"Yes."

"Then do what I tell you!"

"Yeah, I would do that, but I forgot."

Louise stared at him in shock. "I just told you a few seconds ago. How could you forget?"

"I don't know maybe it was because you were confusing or maybe you were just confused, I couldn't tell which… oh look! It's a cloud! This is the greatest thing ever!"

From the side Kriche laughed hysterically. "This makes all you said worth it, Louise! I never would have guessed you'd summon an idiot."

"It was just a little screw-up!" snapped Louise, a flush on her face.

"That's our Louise the Zero. She never fails to meet our expectations!" That remark from another student had the whole of them laughing again.

Mr. Colbert!" Lousie shouted desperately to the middle-aged man who stood on the far-side of the crowd.

"Yes, Miss Vallière?"

"Please! Let me try the summoning once more!"

Mr. Colbert shook his head, refusing the idea. "I cannot allow that, Miss Vallière."

"Why not?" asked the girl.

"It is strictly forbidden. When you are promoted to a second year student, you must summon a familiar which is precisely what you just did." He allowed a small pause as he stared at the strange Golem.

"But I've never heard of taking a plebian as a familiar!"

"No matter how unorthodox it might be, you cannot simply change the familiar once you have summoned it. Whether you like it or not, you have no choice but to accept him as yours, so please just continue with the ritual."

Grumbling Louise walked up to Caboose still staring at her confusedly. "You should count yourself lucky." She grumbled. "This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for a commoner."

o0o

Louise stood at the castle ground absolutely fuming with the biggest headache in her life. How could she have summoned such a useless familiar? It was bad enough that he was a plebian, but he was the most incompetent plebian she had ever seen in her life! She ordered to wash her clothes and he washed them with sugar instead of deodorant ruining the fine fabric! She commanded him to change her in and out of her clothes and he tried to put a sock over her head! HE COULDN"T EVEN PROPERLY CHANGE HIMSELF! Eventually she had given up trying to make him do work and had to request that the staff do those chores.

Louise put her forehead down on the table. What had she ever done to deserve this?

So deep into her thoughts, Louise didn't realize how much time had passed or the events that had transpired until Malicorne came shuffling past and talking excitedly about the duel between Guiche and her familiar. Wait, what?

"CABOOSE!"

o0o

Caboose was sent flying into the ground as Guiche's golem slammed a fist into his abdomen.

"See!" cried Louise as she rushed to his side. "Peasants can never win against mages. Just apologize already so you don't have to go through with this."

"No, wait," said Caboose "I can beat him. O'Malley taught me how to be mean."

"What the hell are you talking about!" Louise screamed

"I just have to concentrate on mean things. Like… babies! No wait… Tucker! Yes, that's it!"

Kirche sidled closer to Louise." Ummm Louise, I think you're familiar's finally lost it."

Louise groaned. "When did he ever have it?"

Meanwhile Caboose continued with his efforts. "Tucker and Church are going to go have juice. That makes me angry! And they are doing it… without me!**GAHHHHHHHHHHH!**"

His roar echoed throughout the academy and Guiche hesitated as he stared at the once docile familiar become absolutely beastly and start slowly getting up.

**"My name is Michael J Caboose. And I. HATE. BABIES!"**

**_[After careful consideration, the author of this story had completely deleted the following battle scenes from his computer. The following carnage would have been so great and bloody, the readers of this story would have had been scarred for life and the nightmares would never let you have a proper sleep ever again. Suffice to say that Caboose went on a total rampage across the countryside and later had to be restrained by 24 square class mages. Trust me. This is for your own good.]_**

o0o

Louise couldn't believe what she was seeing. Kirche Von Zerbst her oldest enemy was trying to seduce her familiar in front of her very eyes.

"Oh Caboose." Kirche moaned as she rubbed her breast sensuously on Caboose's arm. "You looked so handsome during your duel with that oaf, Guiche. I've fallen in love with you my knight. I want your babies."

Caboose titled his head in confusion. "That doesn't make sense. I don't have a baby. I think you just making things up. Tucker had a baby, but it wasn't mine. I didn't catch his pregnancy… I think. Maybe we should have the... someone explain, uh, just how babies are made, y'know? Uh, in case someone... one of us, uh, may not exactly know how that happens..."

Kirche laughed "Oh darling, you're so amusing. It's one of the things I love about you. I saying we should get married my dear."

Caboose shook his head. "Oh I don't think so. I'm never getting married. My dad always told me "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Kirche drew her head back in horror. "Did you just call me a slut?" she screeched.

Louise crossed her arms and smiled in smug satisfaction. "No I believe he just called you a cow, von Zerbst. Now if you'll excuse us we have better things to do that listen to your rants."

Saying that felt really good, Louise reflected after they left the room.

o0o

The warehouse was old, covered in green moss as Louise, Caboose and the rest of their group alowly approached from the forest.

"This is it." announced Siesta as she led the group. "This is where my grandfather hid the Mammoth of Destruction."

"Well then." Said Colbert, "Let us open it to see what is inside."

"Yes!" cried Caboose. "We get to open things! It must be my birthday! But if it's my birthday… then there must be cake!"

"Shut up, Caboose." The group chorused in unison.

"O.K!" Caboose whispered. "This is fun."

"Caboose!"

"Oh right… sorry."

Caboose pushed the sliding door open…Then stopped moving completely in surprise. "Sheila!" he cried. "Sheila is that you?"

Caboose was looking at an old friend, one that he had piloted several times in the Blood Gulch outpost. The M8O8V Scorpion main battle tank sat in the middle of the warehouse, staring down at the group. Colbert watched in awe as the strange machine whirred to life and the tank began moving on its own.

To his even large surprise the strange machine spoke in a metallic yet female voice. "Hello and thank you for activating the M8O8V main battle tank. You may call me Sheila. Wait… Caboose... is that you?"

o0o

The Albion 100 gun battle ship, the Lexington floated across the sky. Below Tarbes, the poor village was covered in smoke. Caboose could see the houses below were destroyed by cannons coming from two ships flying nearby. Tristain's army was on horses, being overwhelmed by red fire breathing dragons. Meanwhile caboose sat inside the canopy inside the Scorpion battle tank atop of a hill watching the events.

Derflinger slid out his sheath. "Partner you see that ship in the air. They're on _our_ side. You should _help_ them."

"O.K" said Caboose. Minutes later the tank fired a single shell into the hull of the ship. Flames spread across the decks of the ship and the Lexington soon began plummeting towards the ground. "Umm …yeah" said Caboose. "…I tried to help them, but then the ship people got in my way while I tried to help them."

"Partner you did it!" cried Derflinger. "You beat them!"

"I did? I mean… I did! Yes! I did it! I am the biggest hero ever! I killed hundreds of helpless people!" The ship quickly plummeted towards the ground and landed right on top of Tarbes setting the village alight. The fire on top of the ship reached the gunpowder room as it landed, the ship exploded razing the village and anyone still foolish enough to have remained inside to the ground. "I did uh...not my fault not my fault I did not do this, the sword thing made me do things and then the ship got in my way while I was trying to help everyone!"

Somewhere across the distant battlefield he could hear the mean pink-haired lady scream. "CABOOSE!"


	3. Grif

Idiots of Zero is a series of one-shots featuring a plethora of what-if's consisting of a large cast of characters from the Red Vs Blue Series where as expected, hilarity ensues. Second in line is Grif I guess. Feel free to rate and review and feel free to put up requests from the rvb cast. Just a warning though, this story isn't high up on my priorities list to I won't be updating it as much.

* * *

><p>It was the same sunny afternoon in the Blood Gulch canyon and as per usual, Grif was doing what he did best. Or rather, it would be more accurate to say he was not doing what he did worst. Work.<p>

Yes, not-working had been both Grif's greatest skill and favorite past-time for longer than he cared to actually remember. Only moments ago he and Simmons had gotten into a large argument over their responsibilities and duties as soldiers of the Red Army. Predictably, Simmons took the side of those that were of the opinion that they should have actually done those duties while Grif's response was his default response to just about everything in life. "Why bother?"

*Flash Back*

_"You know Simmons, I really don't get why you make such a big deal about orders. I mean, all we ever get are stupid ones like, attack the blues, or clean our weapons. Honestly, why do we even bother?" That was Grif, of course._

_"You moron, we're supposed to maintain proper care of our weapons!" Simmons' voice began rising to a shout._

_"I did!" Grif protested. "I cleaned our guns just like you told me to. All in all, I'd say it was a job well done."_

_"YOU THREW OUR GUNS IN TO A WASHING MACHINE DUMBASS!" Simmons screamed. "Now the trigger mechanisms are completely jammed! How the hell are we supposed to fight the blues now?"_

_Grif looked away sheepishly. "… I still cleaned them." he grumbled._

*Flash Back End*

The argument had taken a lot out of Grif. Shouting and screaming was surprisingly hard work. Why couldn't anyone other than him see that? Anyways, Grif felt that it was time for a nice long nap to recharge his mental batteries, give himself some Grif time… and mostly skip out on work while Simmons more or less did everything. It was the PERFECT system.

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ."

Suddenly a female voice began _"I beg of you…"_

"Huh…" Did Sarge find him already?

_"My servant who lives somewhere in the universe!"_

Servant? That certainly couldn't be him. That would actually mean he had to do work. The horror.

_"I desire and here I plead from my heart!"_

"Donut for the last time, turn down the volume when you're watching Twilight! Some of us are trying to catch some Zs are here!"

_"Answer to my guidance!"_

"Uh oh, this isn't good."

o0o

The explosion was far more deafening than usual and the heat was nearly blistering but just as quickly as it occurred so too did it disappear with little damage done save perhaps for a short-term deafening of ears. All in all, Louise wasn't all too surprised by the blast, really she had become rather used to it, but even so she was concerned that whatever poor beast she had summoned was lying dead when the smoke finally cleared to reveal her newly summoned familiar. The creature was some kind of yellow golem that had one bronze eye.

Louise walked up to him. "You there, the yellow golem!"

The creature turned around at her and drew back before speaking. "Hey, I'm orange, not yellow!"

Louise twitched. "No you're not! You're definitely yellow!"

"I'm orange."

"Yellow."

"Orange."

"Yellow."

"Orange."

"Yellow."

"Orange."

"Fine! You're orange!" Louise relented. "Just take of your helmet already!"

"No."

"What!" Louise screeched. "You're my familiar you're supposed to what I say!"

"Sorry," The golem apologized though it hardly sounded sincere. "I can't. You see, I have ummmm…. Kidneyism, it's a disease which ummm… stops me from ummm… taking off my helmet…. yeah."

"Kidneyism is _not_ a real disease." Louise said while glaring at the summoned golem.

"Says who? You're not a doctor." Grif answered. "You're not even a medic."

"Just take off your helmet already!"

"No way! This thing weighs almost five pounds! Do you honestly expect me to go through the trouble of lifting it all the way above my head! Un uh, not happening. Ever."

From the side Kriche laughed hysterically, unable to make even a snide comment or two about the spectacle before her as she fell over clutching her sides while giggling uncontrollably. It was a sight imitated by the rest of her classmates. Louise shot a pleading glance at Professor Colbert. "PLEASE let me summon a new familiar, PLEASE."

Mr. Colbert shook his head, refusing the idea. "I cannot allow that, Miss Vallière."

"Why not?" the girl asked in frustration.

"It is strictly forbidden. When you are promoted to a second year student, you must summon a familiar which is precisely what you just did." He allowed a small pause as he stared at the strange Golem. "No matter how unorthodox it might be, you cannot simply change the familiar once you have summoned it. Whether you like it or not, you have no choice but to accept him as yours, so please just continue with the ritual."

Grumbling Louise walked up to Grif who was still staring at her smugly. "You should count yourself lucky, you plebiscite." She grumbled. "This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for a commoner."

o0o

Louise glared at her newly summoned familiar, doing her best to maintain the proud composure that would have been expected of a Valliere. But it was difficult, so very, very difficult in the face Grif who had turned out, to her horror, to be the laziest slob to have ever existed in human history.

"I thought I told you to wash my clothes." She ground out through gritted teeth.

Grif returned here gaze coolly. Years of serving under a sergeant that tried to murder him on a daily basis had given him a surprisingly strong backbone. "I did." he replied.

"No, you didn't!" Louise shouted, her patience snapping in two. "All you did was _pretend_ to wash them while making washing noises with your mouth before handing back the clothes _exactly was they were before_!"

Grif paused. "You can't prove that."

"I was right there IN FRONT OF YOU! I _saw_ you do it!"

"…That's still not proof." Grif felt compelled to point out.

"Gaaaahhhhhh" Louise screamed in frustration. "Just get out, get out, GET OUT!"

Chased out of the room, Grif soon made his way towards the castle courtyards, hopefully to find a tree or something to nap under. Honestly who did the girl think she was? If he didn't do any work for Sarge there was no way he was going to do any work for her. It was a Blood Gulch tradition! And there was no chance in hell he was going to let some girl trample over his sacred way of life. No. Freaking. Way.

At that moment Grif noticed something that fell out of a blonde haired boy's pocket. It was a small glass bottle with purple liquid swirling inside it. For a moment Grif considered picking up the object for the kid or at least informing him of his loss. Then he thought of the effort it would have taken and quickly dismissed those thoughts before continuing his search for a good napping location.

o0o

Louise, Kirche and Tabitha ran for dear life while carrying the Staff of Destruction as Fouquet's golem brought down one of its massive fists upon the shack they had been standing inside only moments ago.

"Don't worry guys!" Louise shouted encouragingly. "I'm sure Grif and I can defeat this thing! Right Grif! … Grif?" Louise looked around the clearing to find that her familiar was nowhere in sight. "Son of a bi-"

***Meanwhile with Grif***

_Minor Junior Private Negative First Class Dexter Grif _

_Status: Completely healthy and even more relaxed than usual. (Which no one ever would have ever believed was possible)_

_Location: Somewhere under a tree._

_Activity: Taking a nap. _

***Meanwhile with Louise***

"OH BRIMIR! IT JUST KEEPS ON REGENERATING! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

***Back to Grif***

… still taking a nap.

*** With Louise***

"WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE! TABITHA! NO TABITHA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON'T BE A HERO! SAVE YOURSELF WHILE YOU STILL CAN! TABITHA NOOOOOOO! WHY BRIMIR WHY!"

***Back to Grif***

… Let's face he's probably not gonna wake up any time soon.

***Later***

"You know," Grif began cheerfully. "I'd say that all worked out pretty well. You caught your thief and I caught some Zs. Really, it's a win-win situation for everybody!"

"We almost died!" Louise screamed at him.

He promptly decided to ignore her. "Yep, a win-win conclusion for everybody!"

Louise took a deep breath, counted to ten, and then pounced, strangling Grif as they both fell to the ground.


End file.
